Sunday, July 1, 2007

Damn it God, Why?

Damn it God, Why?

Damn it God, Why?

Why must I suffer like I do?
Why the constant pain in my body?
Why the constant fatigue?
Why the throbbing, constant ache in my bones and muscles?
Why must I feel like I got hit by a freight train after a normal days' work?
Why did you give me hopes and dreams, a body that cannot fulfill them?
Why the Crohn's?
Why the Fibromyalgia?
Why the depression?
Why must the world around me be draped in dark shadows?
Why must my life be framed by dark pits of despair where all the hope is sucked out of life?
Why must I be paralyzed by fear and anxiety?
Why did you give me a bright mind- just for it to self destruct and lead me to my ruin?
Why did you create such a fucked up being like me?
What purpose is there in the chaos that is my life?
Why do I exist? So I can hurt? So you can laugh?

God, they say that you can heal. But you don't. I am living proof of that (not to mention countless saints who have been devastated by disease or lost their fight). I can't count the number of times I have prayed for healing, the number of people who are praying on my behalf, the number of times that hands have been laid on me.
Yet...nothing from you.
If you really can heal, and you choose not to...what kind of God are you? So either you are impotent or cruel? Which is it? What kind of God chooses to heal some but not others? What kind of God tells you to pray and then ignores you? What kind of God gives you hope that there is a better reality and dangles it like a carrot in front of you without ever letting you reach it? Why God? Why would you create a paradise, tell us about it, and then forbid us to enter it until you say so- until you have had your fun jerking us around? Why would you do such a thing?
Are we your playtoys?
Are we the Barbie dolls of the Great God in the Sky?
What kind of God are you?
Masked man reveal yourself!
Better yet...God are you even there? Are you a construct of humanities imagination? Do we simply want to believe there is something bigger than us, someone who can heal our hurts, and give meaning to our lives? Have we created you in our own image- is that why you are such a lousy God?
God why did you create such a fucked up world? Are you that pathetic? I gotta tell you I don't buy this crap about you creating this wonderful perfect place, and because you are such a benevolent being gave your creation free will knowing full well that they would betray you so that you get to spend the rest of eternity punishing their descendents for something they had nothing to do with. How bogus! Where is my free will, God? Where is my choice to reject you....because I gotta tell you unless there is another side of you I can't see, I sure as hell don't want anything to do with you.

How did evil get into the world if you did not create it? Free will - is that your best answer. What a cop out. Some random angel gets free will enough to attempt a coup de ta and so the rest of us never get a chance to choose? I can't handle a God that allows a world to be filled with pain all because this mysterious cosmic force of evil has tainted everything? I can't handle a God that allows the innocent to suffer, who allows evil, viscous people to rule the world.

What was that? Oh, you are going to get around to that eventually. What crap! Why would you let even one innocent person suffer? Why should you even let one descipable person suffer if you have the power to stop it. If you have the power to right all the wrongs why in God's name have you not done it? You know what I think- I don't think you can! Or at least I hope you can't- because if you can and are cruel enough not to do it then there truly is no hope in the world.

I am not done with you yet. I have a lot more to throw at you. Can you take it? Are you big enough to handle a little criticism, or are you going to smite me with a bolt from heaven, with a whirlwind, or eternal damnation? If you are a loving and just God then you will take the jagged barbs I throw at you and you will respond.
Do you hear that?
I want to know if you are really there. I want to hear from you. I don't want to hear that crap about you are present in the people who love us or in rainbow after the storm. And don't you dare tell me to go read the fucking Bible. I want to know where you are right now, not what you may or may not have said to someone 2000 years ago. I want you to talk to me. I want you to reach out to me and help me to understand. I want to find you. I don't want to figure you out, I don't want to master you, I don't want to sell your secrets to the tabloids.
I just want to know if you are there? Is that to much to ask? I am on the ultimate quest, but you need to meet me half way. God you need to actually show up. That is what I am asking from you plain and simple-show up. Speak to me with words my finite brain can understand, in words that I can hear and know without a shadow of a doubt that you cared enough to bother to show up. Gideon put out his fleece. I am daring to do the same.
Are you there?


Tim Conder said...

This is the type of honesty poetry/diatribe/worship response that so many of us should be crafted. Why do we fear honesty with God?

Barbara said...

I came across your blog by accident. Wow I have written this post myself over the years asking all the same questions.
So wonderful to live in reality and not the sugr coated sentimentality that ones is surrounded with.
I wrote a poem that actually was a conversation between myself and God when I was in a place of despair. The answer came before the poem ended(for me that is). I have been therre, asked all the questions and have come through much pain to a place of peace.
I love your site, I love your honesty, I love the reality. I will be back to read more of it soon.